SATIRE
Delusional MD Epidemic Grows
 
by Fintan Dunne, 01 Jan '03
Editor www.SickofDoctors.com


The US in particluar, and much of the developed world is chronically affected by a growing, largely undiagnosed condition known as "dMD" or Delusional Medical Doctoritis.

Sufferers believe they are doctors and often present with a convincing array of pseudo-qualificatory paraphernalia obtained by undergoing training in medical schools.

These unfortunate victims persist in delusional activities which may include: setting up and operating medical practices; seeing patients; prescribing drugs and performing surgeries.

Sufferers have an affinity for each other and often congregate. This results in the characteristic appearance of "hospitals" or "walk-in clinics" --which take the form of buildings located in urban centers.

This group cohesion among sufferers can render dMD very hard to treat, as they not only give each other awards and positions of responsibility, but attend what are termed "conferences." At these events they can freely mingle with sufferers of the related syndrome dPC "Delusional PharmaCorporitis" --which is characterized by an overwhelming need to develop ineffective drugs.

Both groups can be very convincing and have managed to gain control of US medical care. In recent years, the synergy between the two has led to the unnecessary death of 250,000--500,000 people in the US annually.

Unsuspecting members of the public are enticed into so-called "surgeries" and then referred to the "hospitals" --where streamlined facilities for manslaughter and disposal of corpses are well established and very efficient.

DIAGNOSIS

Diagnosis is difficult, as dMD sufferers can be hard to distinguish from actual healers. However telltale callouses on the palms ("golf-club" hand) and a predilection for driving German automobiles are regarded as sufficient for a presumptive diagnosis.

Much debate surrounds the question of the primary causative agent in dMD, but recent analysis (Regush et. al. 2002) implicates an underlying attitudinal infection with medicomegalomaniavirus.

This is ubiquitous in medical schools; is contracted by perhaps 90% of attendees during training; and is thought to cause the brain atrophy and the classic "conehead" triangulation of the remaining brain tissue.

These unfortunates leave medical school in a pseudo-qualificatory state and soon succumb to "Reps Syndrome," wherein they are unable to think at all except in the presence of drug sales representatives.

TREATMENT

In the absence of a cure, current treatment for the condition focusses on minimizing harm and providing regular small doses of reality. Only minute doses are appropriate, due to cognitive dissonance, and in order to avoid hepatic stress from the decomposition of mental constructs.

With gentle counseling and a supportive environment, sufferers can begin by vocalizing simple phrases such as:
"I'll prescribe these ones --they're cheaper" and eventually moving on to more challenging statements like: "I have no idea what's wrong with you."

Even so, only a minority will ever manage to make statements like "Chemo will just kill you quicker" or "If it doesn't work I'll give you your money back."

No patient has, as yet, completed treatment in full --which requires the sufferer to say: "Stop me before I kill you."

Clearly, much more research is required to develop effective treatment protocols. Meanwhile the general public is advised to exercise great caution when seeking healing.

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